Lately I've been feeling like I'm suffocating. 

Like I can't figure everything out and I need a breath of fresh air.

Like it's just too much for me to think about it.

As I analyze my life, I see happiness.

So much so that I could explode.

This suffocating feeling I have has nothing to do with anyone else.

It has everything to do with me.

My life has been on a roll in the past 8 months.

It's been changing and turning like crazy and although I'm going along with it, I am also at the same time NOT.

I'm afraid. 

Terrified of all the changes.

The over-thinker in me is at its max.

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Gavin I began to internally panic.

About literally EVERYTHING.

And once he was actually born, that panic only increased.

I've been terrified ever since.

Having a child is scary.

You're in charge of another life besides your own.

I always do my best to be Gavin's mommy.

I make choices with his best interest first and
I take care of him better than I've ever taken care of myself.

Quite frankly, he means more to me than I do to myself.

But It wasn't until recently, when some things were said to me, that I stopped and started to really wonder about myself.

Last week Gavin's OT and speech therapist were both here.

His OT asked me if I had been working on having him wear his weighted vest and I felt the embarrassment spread across my face. I could feel myself tensing up and I shyly admitted that I hadn't but only 1 day.. And without missing a beat she said to me that I acted as though I was going to be scolded for it. I then realized that I've been feeling that way.. That I was worried she would be disappointed in me that I hadn't. Like she was my parent and I had to give her my report card with bad grades on it or something. I was so ready to spout out a million excuses as to why I hadn't. Like I needed to prove something to this woman. 

But the truth is, I don't.

And I don't mean that in any way rude.

I mean it as, this is my son. And these choices are made for him BY ME. 

It's not that I hadn't thought about putting the vest on him.

It's sitting on my couch. It has been since we got it 2 weeks ago.

It's not that I didn't want to put it on him.

Sure, he gets upset about it at first, which is to be expected. 

The truth is, I look at it every single day and honestly, I just don't want to do it alone.

I don't want to work on it with him by myself. I want his OT to be here. To help me.

Maybe that sounds silly? But it's how I feel.. 

It's also that I'm afraid.

When his OT said that to me I felt like she was starting to uncover my feelings that I've been harboring secretly to myself. All of this therapy and learning scares the hell out of me. I feel a sense of stability when his therapists are here because they can point me in the right direction.

I'm ashamed to admit that that's where I stand at this point.

I've mentioned to them before that I feel a sense of disconnect with Gavin..

But it's not him that's disconnecting.

It's me.

And for that, I'm sad and embarrassed..

Ever since this whole autism thing entered our lives I've been trying to keep up and do all of the right things and make the right decisions and be this perfect supermom. When in reality, I've been slowly slipping away from myself..and my baby. He wants to connect and interact. He wants that. And I've been too worried about keeping myself in the present now to realize it.. He hasn't left me. He never did. And instead of embracing that, I've been spilling out frustrations everywhere. On him mostly. I'm mad at myself for it. 

And for what purpose is all of this? There is no reason.

Sure, I'm overwhelmed. Anyone who has a child gets overwhelmed.  

But I've been taking it to a whole different level. 

I don't need an outlet.

I don't need to get a hobby or spend time with my friends all of the time to let go of this. 

I need to slap my inner self for letting me get to this point.

I adore my life and everyone in it.

So what in the hell am I doing?!?

It's like I'm constantly on edge.

Waiting.

Waiting for something..

Something that I don't even know what it is.

So I sit here and wonder to myself, what the hell are you waiting for?

I tell myself to be present. Be here. In the now.

Gavin is turning 3 in just a few weeks. Time is going by. Very fast. 

I don't want to spend so much time stuck in my head. 

Waiting for something that doesn't exist.

I don't want to be afraid of all these changes happening in our lives.

They are good changes. Changes that are helping my son.

That's the most important.

I can't take in everything that his therapists do. 

I'm never going to remember every tip and suggestion and tactic they suggest.

I'm just not.

Yet I put all of this pressure on myself to remember it all. 

To follow through and repeat them each day and apply them to as much of his day to day life as possible.

But the reality is, they don't expect me to remember it all. To do it all. They aren't forcing me. They are suggesting. They are here to help. 

I weigh myself down with all of this. I worry that I'm not doing enough. And when I think it's too much, I feel myself hide.

It's like I've forgotten how to just be his mom.

But I haven't. I could do this blindfolded. 

I feel like I was born to be a momma.

To have a little to care for. 

I don't even have to think-I just DO.

I never forgot how to be his mommy.

I forgot how to be myself.

The kind, patient, always loving mommy.

And while I still am, it hasn't been 100%.

Not to me anyway.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

I'm making a conscious effort to let go of the things that don't matter.

It's not about being perfect. 

It's not about having all the answers.

It's not about living up to non-existent expectations that I've set for myself.

I know that I do my very best to be the best mommy to Gavin that I can be.

I don't need to expect more from myself.

And I need to be nicer to myself when I mess up. When I let my frustrations show.

Because at the end of the day, I'm only human. And it happens. It happens to all of us. 

I have to remind myself of this very often.

Life isn't about having all of the answers. Because there simply aren't answers to it all.

It's life. It's meant to be lived and enjoyed along the way. Having a child is no small feat. It's challenging and sometimes exhausting but above all that, it's incredibly amazing. Since Gavin, I feel like I've grown and continue to grow more as a person than I ever have in my whole life. He's taught me to really see myself in a different light. I always want to be perfect to him and for him. But I don't even know what perfect is. He doesn't either for that matter. He sees me. He sees mommy. And he loves me. Oh man does he love me. He's just so sweet.

I don't want to suffocate anymore.

I've realized that I'm only suffocating because of myself.

Because of unrealistic thinking.

Because of TOO MUCH thinking.

I have no reason to wake up every morning feeling overwhelmed before I can even get out of bed.

I have no reason to set expectations of myself.

I'll tell you what I do have- I have every reason to wake up happy.

I have every reason to start fresh each day with a clean slate, ready to take on whatever the day throws at me.

I have every reason to let go of stupid frustrations and smile at my baby and let him know that I'm not holding onto petty things--things that don't matter. Things he can't understand.

I have every reason to relish in the life I have because it is wonderful.

It's so wonderful. 

It's about time I start living my life and not being afraid of it. 

I have nothing to be afraid of.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do.

I need to find my way back to where I was before these past 8 months.

I don't have far to look.

I just need to get out of this fog that I've been wondering around in.

Getting it all out on here helps that fog to clear. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and start my life again where I left off.

And I'll really be there, like I was before. 

Good night.

Preschool..

Let me just start this by saying HOLY SHIT.

Pardon my french.

But that's all I can really muster up to describe the way that I've been feeling for the past couple of days.

Tomorrow is Gavin's preschool assessment and I will willingly admit that I am extremely unhappy about it.

So much so that I've literally had to distract myself all day from calling and canceling.

I'm freaked out.

Completely and utterly terrified.

The very last thing I am prepared to do is send my toddler to preschool.

I have 3.5 trillion thoughts running through my head about it.

I can already feel the anxiety attack coming on and it's not even tomorrow yet.

I'm just not ready for him to go to preschool yet....

I'm just not....

Do I think he will benefit from it? Yes. Yes I do.

I think he will benefit tremendously from it.

That doesn't change how I feel about it though.

I'm scared.

Unsure.

Apprehensive.

Nervous.

Angry.

Sad.

Nauseous.

Frantic.

...and like 10 million other things.

I'M just not ready for him to go.

It's not until August yet it feels right around the corner..

Months fly by these days..

None of this really makes sense.

I'm sure of that.

I don't feel like I make sense right now.

I'm so upset about this assessment tomorrow I can't even think straight so it would only make sense that anything I write at this point, wouldn't make any sense either..

Maybe I'll blog about it afterwards.

Assuming I don't cry my face off..

-Shay

Too much at once tonight

Overwhelmed.

Unsure.

A little bitter.

Worried.

Tired.

Sad.

Proud.

Loved.

Happy.

Secure.

Insecure.

Confused.

Stressed.

Excited.

Satisfied. 

Too emotional.

Tonight is just..one of those nights where I lay in bed and think about my life.

How great it is. 

How hard it is. 

How rewarding it is. 

How complicated it is. 

How wonderfully chaotic yet simple and complex it is.

Our life now with Autism

Gavin was recently diagnosed with high functioning Autism.

Autism.

That word is becoming more and more familiar in my life.

I have never been around someone with Autism on any kind of a regular basis.

Sure, I've met a few children who have it. I even babysit a 9 year old a few times who has Aspergers.

But that didn't make it anymore familiar for me when they told my that my 2 1/2 year old son has Autism.

We knew that they would tell us this diagnosis long before we went in for the evaluation.

The ''symptoms'' were there, clear as day, for us to see.

When I finally decided to step out of my denial of it and call Gavin's pediatrician, I cried that whole entire day. I cried on the phone with everyone I talked to. Even the pediatrician. I spent the next three months, awaiting the evaluation, crying about it. The thing about it is, I wasn't crying because I was sad about it. I'm not sad that my son has Autism.

A diagnosis doesn't change who my son is or who he will be. He already is and will continue to be HIM regardless. He was and is and always will be Gavin.

I cried because of my own insecurities about this unfamiliar word. And the stress of the evaluation had me losing sleep for all three of those months. What would they say? What would they want to do?  Will he be able to get the therapy he needs? Will they say that it is in fact Autism? Or would it be something else? You name it, I thought it. My thoughts were endless.

I cried because I was worried.

That's really what it all boiled down to.

And I'm his mommy. And being worried about him is my job.

The evaluation came and went and I felt some sense of relief knowing that getting the diagnosis opened the flood gates for therapy. He is eligible for EVERYTHING he needs. And he's already started with speech and occupational therapy. It's relieving for me to see him become so attached to his therapists already. And in just a matter of months he has made some pretty significant progress.

He is using a few words, appropriately (Please- when he wants something. More- when he needs  more of something. Etc.) He has started to take our hand and pull us to something that he would like (gesturing) which he has never done until just recently. He has started to repeat or attempt to say just about anything you ask him to. His vocabulary is enormous compared to what is was just months ago.

He's getting there. And let me tell you, IT IS AMAZING.

The biggest hurdle for him is his lack of communication. It has proven to be the hardest thing we have encountered thus far. Not to mention he has officially entered the ''terrible twos'' phase and both of those things mixed together is a perfect recipe for chaos. It gets to be pretty frustrating, for all parties included. But we are getting through it. Slowly but surely. I know it will get easier with time.

The only thing I have a hard time wrapping my mind around at this point is the fact that I don't personally know really anyone who has a child with Autism. So I'm left feeling a little, in the dark about it. I know Gavin has it. And I learned and continue to learn how it effects him personally. But it's just a big wait and see kind of thing. The evaluation was really useless, I feel. We go into the office, two different doctors run through a series of tests with Gavin. Evaluating his reactions and yada yada yada. Then 2 1/2 hours later they come in and tell you that after deliberation they have concluded that he has this diagnosis. One of the doctors sits down and explain what they say it means for your child and answer your questions and throw around a bunch of percentages (which is a bunch of crap to me). And then just as quickly as you walked in, you leave. They tell you that in SIX months you can schedule a follow up appointment with ANOTHER doctor to answer any other questions that you think of (which I would imagine after 6 months, would be a lot) and this doctor will discuss your child's progress and all that.

Let me just note my opinion here. I don't know how a doctor telling you as a parent, that your child may have 50% of this or that is supposed to justify anything. Obviously they have these percentages for their own benefit for scientific reasons or whatever. ANY child as whatever percent chance of, lets say, graduating high school and going to college. Having Autism, doesn't determine that. Not having Autism doesn't determine that. With anyone, it's a wait and see situation. A percentage doesn't mean shit to me about what they think my son may or may not be like as a five year old, or a ten year old or as an adult. He will be whoever he already is and is going to be. Though this doctor was a wonderful woman. Very kind and clearly very compassionate about her job. It still had me a little unnerved to hear the constant use of "he has a whatever percent chance of this or that''.

As you may be able to tell, it bothered me. A LOT.

But back to what I was originally getting at here. I still feel a little lost. With no real explanation of anything useful from the doctors, I'm left to just go with the flow from what the therapists know. They are wonderful, wonderful people. I'm hoping to learn more, from other parents, to help me better understand this new chapter in our lives. I guess what I'm really looking for is someone who can say ''I've been there, done that''. So I know I'm not the only one feeling like I do. I know they're out there. I just need to find them.

I'm not sure if all of this has made much sense. It's all jumbled together.

It's nice to finally write it all out. Although, I summarized it, so it's not a novel, I feel it gets my thoughts and our story out for the most part. I hope so, anyway.

This life is crazy. It's full of twists and turns.

It's wonderful chaos.

I love my life.

And I love my son. More than anything or anyone in this world. He continues to teach me more and more about life than I ever thought possible. He has shown me that being a mom can be just as confusing as it is rewarding. He has taught me that there is SO MUCH more to life than what we think.

He is the most amazing person that I have ever met in my whole 23 years of existence.

He is my son.

He is Gavin.

And he is incredible.

I wouldn't want him to be anyone other than who he is.

He is perfect.

Things have been up and down in the recent months. 

I've had some amazing things happen and some hardships that I'm still trying to overcome.

My baby turned two and I can't believe it. They grow so fast!

David and I got married and it was absolutely wonderful.

We moved to another rental house and we really love it. We hope to stay here for a bit while we work on getting financially stable enough to own a home. 

I've been working on myself and trying to overcome some things from my past and I've had to put some people out of my life. 

I've been trying to cope with some recent discoveries about Gavin and I'm some days are easier than others.

I've made some new friends and lost a few too.

The list goes on.

All in all, I'm doing ok.

I'm feeling stronger than before and I'm ready to really move forward and get back to that happy place again. 

I'm still happy, but not nearly as happy as I feel I could be. 

But hey, we all have our days right? 

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

I'm still here....Sort of

I've given up on the idea of frequent blogging.

I'm clearly no good at keeping up with this.

Here's what has been going on in the past month.

* We accidentally flipped David's truck at an off road park the weekend following my last post.

{OOPS!!}

* I got to spend some quality time with my very best friend who I never get to see.

* My Grandma Joyce is still about the same. 

{I have to admit, I still haven't gone to visit. I'm just not ready yet...}

* Gavin has been babbling in a conversational tone.

{I'm just waiting for him to start talking one of these days!}

* I realized that I'm getting thinner since I changed some of my bad eating habits 

and started working out a little bit.

 {GO ME!}

* A problem was resolved with someone from that past.

{Which is always nice.}

* I've started using my T2i a lot more.

{I have this beautiful, expensive camera that I barely use. It took almost losing it to 

realize that I don't utilize it like I should... How pathetic?!?}

* I gave my kitten to a good friend. I'm really sad about it, but it had to be done.

{NOTE TO SELF: Stop taking on more than you can handle! REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE A TODDLER!}

* I got bangs and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them just yet.

{Good thing my hair grows super fast}

That's about all that comes to mind right now.

It's not much and it's nothing too exciting for anyone that may read this. 

I live a fairly simple life.

Gavin makes my life exciting and enjoyable.

That's all that I need.

& David too, of course.

:)

That's it for now.

Time to watch a little more TV and then hit the hay.

Good night!

But, I didn't..

I had every intention of continuing to blog after my last post. I've thought about writing on here everyday since then.

The sad reality is, it's been too hard...

Too hard to put into words what happened that's kept me from blogging.

I've started several posts but I couldn't ever get through them and finish them.

The following Sunday after my last post I woke up to an unexpected, and very painful phone call from my dad telling me that my grandma JoAnn had past away.

It's been weighing heavy on my heart since then and I haven't really come to terms with her loss.

I feel detached and numb even still. I cry because I KNOW that it's real, but I don't FEEL like it's real.

I don't want to believe that it's real.

I think about her everyday.

And every day I still haunt myself with the guilt of not visiting as often as I should have.

Not calling as much as I should have.

Not taking Gavin to visit as much as I should have.

Not sending pictures like I should have.

I should have. I should have. I should have.

But I didn't. 

I meant to.

But I didn't.

I wanted to.

But I didn't.

I always thought about doing all these things.

But I didn't.

I feel so guilty and so selfish.

...so ashamed of myself.

Though I had good intentions, I never followed through with them like I had planned to.

The pain I've been feeling is really what's kept me from writing.

I'm the only one who can feel it for myself.

I can't go back and change what I didn't do.. that's what kills me.

I still want her to be here so that I can follow through with all of the things I intended on.

So I don't have to feel so guilty.

So I don't have to feel like I let her down in any way.

And I suppose that's selfish of me to feel.

What it all boils down to in the end is

I just don't want to feel like I ever made her unhappy.

I don't want to be the reason that she was ever unhappy. Not for one second.

She was the sweetest, loving, genuine, soft spoken woman I've ever met in my life.

Never unkind. Never selfish. Never judgmental.

She was the best listener I've ever met.

And she was always worried about everyone else before herself.

All she ever wanted was to see everyone else happy.

And most importantly, she always loved us.

Despite our faults. We never could do wrong.

She saw everyone for who they are on the inside.

She was an outstanding woman who could never, ever be replaced.

I miss her so much it hurts.

I  know that I shouldn't beat myself up over the things that I cannot change.

It's holding me back from grieving.

It's keeping me from REALLY feeling.

I know in my heart she was always proud of me.

She always told me.

I'll never forget her sweet voice and hearing. ''I love you too babe'' when we would end our phone calls.

I've never been good at dealing with really tough emotions.

Hiding from them takes so much more effort than dealing with them but it hurts less for a short time.

Until I can't hide any longer and they hit me like a brick wall.

I've been so caught up in 'not dealing' with my emotions that I've strayed away from visiting my grandma Joyce (from my previous post). She's still in the hospital. Still fighting. Very slowly getting better. She still has a long road ahead of her. But she's alive and doing well given the circumstances. For a while there we feared the worst. We thought we might lose her. And that killed me inside even more.

The thought of losing two very important people in my life in just a matter of weeks was enough to put me into an emotional standoff with myself.

I've tricked myself into (semi) believing that nothing is wrong just so I can go about my days without breaking down.

It's time I get over that and face my fears.

By not visiting her, I'm only being selfish.

She's always been there for me. She's always loved me.

And despite the fact that seeing her the way that she is scares the hell out of me, I owe it to her to visit.

That's exactly what I plan to do.

On another note:

Gavin is still Gavin.

He's a wild and adventurous 16 month old!

He's demanding and hilarious.

He's silly and spontaneous.

Recently we discovered how much he LOVES the drums!

David is thrilled! He's played for 14? years now.

Also, he has really taken an interest in coloring. If he sees something he can scribble with, it's in his little toddler hands before you know it. He enjoys mocking me while I vacuum with his toy vacuum.

He likes to hand things to you. Out of no where he'll reach out and hand you something and so adorably say in his own little way of saying here, ''heeh''.

He loves dancing and jumping.

He's discovered climbing..on his changing table...on the outside of his crib...on the top of his toy truck...in his toy box....really anything he thinks it 'climb-worthy'..I haven't decided if I'm ok with it yet. I'm leaning more towards no. Only because it scares me that he'll get hurt.

The list goes on. Everyday is something new.

Something exciting (and nerve-wrecking).

But it's always wonderful with him.

I'm beyond myself in happiness.

He's always my light at the end of the tunnel.

Life is never bad. Not since he's been in my life.

I try to never take any day for granted.

I always try to cherish everyday.

He's growing up so quickly and I don't want to miss anything.

What I'm really trying to say is that I am overjoyed to be a mom.

To be HIS mom.

Gavin Joseph's mom.

I'm one lucky lady.

I've FINALLY gotten back to this and it feels good.

Some times it's best to write out your feelings.

I feel relieved that I finally did.

Now I feel like I can blog again.

And now I'm also really tired.

Thanks for reading!

Good night.