I'm still here....Sort of

I've given up on the idea of frequent blogging.

I'm clearly no good at keeping up with this.

Here's what has been going on in the past month.

* We accidentally flipped David's truck at an off road park the weekend following my last post.

{OOPS!!}

* I got to spend some quality time with my very best friend who I never get to see.

* My Grandma Joyce is still about the same. 

{I have to admit, I still haven't gone to visit. I'm just not ready yet...}

* Gavin has been babbling in a conversational tone.

{I'm just waiting for him to start talking one of these days!}

* I realized that I'm getting thinner since I changed some of my bad eating habits 

and started working out a little bit.

 {GO ME!}

* A problem was resolved with someone from that past.

{Which is always nice.}

* I've started using my T2i a lot more.

{I have this beautiful, expensive camera that I barely use. It took almost losing it to 

realize that I don't utilize it like I should... How pathetic?!?}

* I gave my kitten to a good friend. I'm really sad about it, but it had to be done.

{NOTE TO SELF: Stop taking on more than you can handle! REMEMBER THAT YOU HAVE A TODDLER!}

* I got bangs and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them just yet.

{Good thing my hair grows super fast}

That's about all that comes to mind right now.

It's not much and it's nothing too exciting for anyone that may read this. 

I live a fairly simple life.

Gavin makes my life exciting and enjoyable.

That's all that I need.

& David too, of course.

:)

That's it for now.

Time to watch a little more TV and then hit the hay.

Good night!

But, I didn't..

I had every intention of continuing to blog after my last post. I've thought about writing on here everyday since then.

The sad reality is, it's been too hard...

Too hard to put into words what happened that's kept me from blogging.

I've started several posts but I couldn't ever get through them and finish them.

The following Sunday after my last post I woke up to an unexpected, and very painful phone call from my dad telling me that my grandma JoAnn had past away.

It's been weighing heavy on my heart since then and I haven't really come to terms with her loss.

I feel detached and numb even still. I cry because I KNOW that it's real, but I don't FEEL like it's real.

I don't want to believe that it's real.

I think about her everyday.

And every day I still haunt myself with the guilt of not visiting as often as I should have.

Not calling as much as I should have.

Not taking Gavin to visit as much as I should have.

Not sending pictures like I should have.

I should have. I should have. I should have.

But I didn't. 

I meant to.

But I didn't.

I wanted to.

But I didn't.

I always thought about doing all these things.

But I didn't.

I feel so guilty and so selfish.

...so ashamed of myself.

Though I had good intentions, I never followed through with them like I had planned to.

The pain I've been feeling is really what's kept me from writing.

I'm the only one who can feel it for myself.

I can't go back and change what I didn't do.. that's what kills me.

I still want her to be here so that I can follow through with all of the things I intended on.

So I don't have to feel so guilty.

So I don't have to feel like I let her down in any way.

And I suppose that's selfish of me to feel.

What it all boils down to in the end is

I just don't want to feel like I ever made her unhappy.

I don't want to be the reason that she was ever unhappy. Not for one second.

She was the sweetest, loving, genuine, soft spoken woman I've ever met in my life.

Never unkind. Never selfish. Never judgmental.

She was the best listener I've ever met.

And she was always worried about everyone else before herself.

All she ever wanted was to see everyone else happy.

And most importantly, she always loved us.

Despite our faults. We never could do wrong.

She saw everyone for who they are on the inside.

She was an outstanding woman who could never, ever be replaced.

I miss her so much it hurts.

I  know that I shouldn't beat myself up over the things that I cannot change.

It's holding me back from grieving.

It's keeping me from REALLY feeling.

I know in my heart she was always proud of me.

She always told me.

I'll never forget her sweet voice and hearing. ''I love you too babe'' when we would end our phone calls.

I've never been good at dealing with really tough emotions.

Hiding from them takes so much more effort than dealing with them but it hurts less for a short time.

Until I can't hide any longer and they hit me like a brick wall.

I've been so caught up in 'not dealing' with my emotions that I've strayed away from visiting my grandma Joyce (from my previous post). She's still in the hospital. Still fighting. Very slowly getting better. She still has a long road ahead of her. But she's alive and doing well given the circumstances. For a while there we feared the worst. We thought we might lose her. And that killed me inside even more.

The thought of losing two very important people in my life in just a matter of weeks was enough to put me into an emotional standoff with myself.

I've tricked myself into (semi) believing that nothing is wrong just so I can go about my days without breaking down.

It's time I get over that and face my fears.

By not visiting her, I'm only being selfish.

She's always been there for me. She's always loved me.

And despite the fact that seeing her the way that she is scares the hell out of me, I owe it to her to visit.

That's exactly what I plan to do.

On another note:

Gavin is still Gavin.

He's a wild and adventurous 16 month old!

He's demanding and hilarious.

He's silly and spontaneous.

Recently we discovered how much he LOVES the drums!

David is thrilled! He's played for 14? years now.

Also, he has really taken an interest in coloring. If he sees something he can scribble with, it's in his little toddler hands before you know it. He enjoys mocking me while I vacuum with his toy vacuum.

He likes to hand things to you. Out of no where he'll reach out and hand you something and so adorably say in his own little way of saying here, ''heeh''.

He loves dancing and jumping.

He's discovered climbing..on his changing table...on the outside of his crib...on the top of his toy truck...in his toy box....really anything he thinks it 'climb-worthy'..I haven't decided if I'm ok with it yet. I'm leaning more towards no. Only because it scares me that he'll get hurt.

The list goes on. Everyday is something new.

Something exciting (and nerve-wrecking).

But it's always wonderful with him.

I'm beyond myself in happiness.

He's always my light at the end of the tunnel.

Life is never bad. Not since he's been in my life.

I try to never take any day for granted.

I always try to cherish everyday.

He's growing up so quickly and I don't want to miss anything.

What I'm really trying to say is that I am overjoyed to be a mom.

To be HIS mom.

Gavin Joseph's mom.

I'm one lucky lady.

I've FINALLY gotten back to this and it feels good.

Some times it's best to write out your feelings.

I feel relieved that I finally did.

Now I feel like I can blog again.

And now I'm also really tired.

Thanks for reading!

Good night.

Enjoying life

Recently I've been babysitting kids just a couple days out of the week.

One day I watch a 2 year old girl, another day I watch an 18 month old girl and her 5 month old brother.

And I LOVE IT.

I really love the social interaction it brings Gavin. 

He totally enjoys having someone else his age to hang out with! 

He observes them closely and though they may not play together per say, they play along side each other very well. 

Gavin, as well as the two girls, are all just wonderful toddlers. They are well behaved and they are a joy to be around.  

Yesterday Gavin and the 2 year old girl filled my house with laughter and the pitter-patter of their feet. They had this game of their own going on. They would run to the end of the hallway, stop at the door, turn around and run back into the living room. They used the couch as bumper to stop themselves, causing them to fall down on their butts. Then one after the other they would get back up and do it all over again. They thought this was absolutely hilarious and tons of fun. They must have done it 20 times in a row before they finally wore themselves out. It was so adorable to watch them and very heartwarming for me to see my baby boy having so much fun.

Today when the other little girl was here, they took turns handing over the bowl of cheerios so they could both have some (it didn't take long for the snatching it from the other child happened, but it was cute while it lasted). It's so funny to watch them interact with each other too. Gavin doesn't really say very many words yet and what he does say, isn't used in context aside from specifically addressing me as mom and David as dad. He knows what you say to him most of the time though. Keep in mind, he is still only 14 months old. He's getting there. But anyway, the little girl (18mos) talks a lot. She says a lot of words and knows how to use them in context. And when she talks to Gavin, he just stares at her, observing her and I can only imagine his little brain working to try and figure out just what the heck she is even saying. She doesn't understand that he isn't on the same page as her so she just looks at him. His response usually consists of his own little baby babble. But it's all very cute, none the less.They are very entertaining to watch. 

Toddlers, I tell ya! 

Who needs TV?

 HA!

It makes me so overjoyed to see my baby boy (he'll always be referred to as a baby if I have anything to say about it) learning, laughing and growing up. He's a happy little guy and that's all I could ever want for him. 

I've come to realize JUST HOW MUCH I love to babysit other kids. I LOVE IT. I love the company it brings to both Gavin and I. 

I love the responsibility as well as the challenge. 

I really want to have more children.

Definitely not right now, but not too far from now either. 

I want us to be better off than we are right now before we add to our family. I want it to be a comfortable addition. One that we are ready for.

But I'll tell ya, I cannot wait for the day!

I love being a mom. More than (literally) anything else in this world. I feel like I was never really living life to the fullest before I had Gavin. I didn't have a purpose other than the obligations of taking care of myself. 

I didn't appreciate or embrace life as whole, until I had Gavin. He is my purpose, my motivation, my happiness, my love, my reason, my will to do all that I can to be the best person I can be for him. 

He is my everything. 

His is my life. 

Nothing else matters except his happiness and wellness. 

Everything that I do, I do in his benefit.

He deserves the world and I do everything I can to give that to him.

I feel like having other kids his age around benefits him so much.

I also feel like I benefit too. It makes me happy to have them here. 

I get to be around an adorable, smiley little baby whom I adore. Which is great since I'm not yet ready to have another one of my own.

It's a great experience and I feel very lucky to be given the opportunity.  

I feel really honored that I get to babysit them. It's always a wonderful feeling when someone else trusts you with their child(ren). It's a big job and it's very, very important. Not one to be taken lightly.

Gavin doesn't get babysat very often at all and when he is, it's only by family. 

That's your life you're putting into someone else's hands. You have to trust that if it comes down to it, they will put your child's life first. They have to be kept safe and protected in any given situation that could occur. 

Maybe not everyone views it as harshly as I do. But I don't take to the subject lightly.

Overprotective? Absolutely! Can you blame me? I don't blame myself one bit.

I could go on and on about the topic all day but I won't do that. 

I think I've voiced my views and opinions on the subject enough for one blog.

I'm not even sure if it all makes sense together. 

My hands are doing all the typing while I'm desperately trying to keep my brain from falling asleep over here.

Why I stay up so late is beyond  me. It's pointless, really.

Well, maybe not pointless. 

My house is silent. David and Gavin are both asleep. 

I get to sit on the couch, watch my recorded TV shows, and blog.

All by myself. This is ME time. 

I can actually hear my own thoughts and relax.

Some times I just get a little bit carried away with the whole 'time' factor and I push it so far that I'm falling asleep on myself. 

So now that, that's happening I'm going to go ahead and go to bed.

Good night & thanks for reading!

On this Tuesday

I can't say it was a regular ol' day, because no day is the same when you have a very busy, wiggly, noisy 1 year old running around your house. HA! 

Gavin is such a funny little guy. 

His new thing now is he picks up his toy phones and puts them to his ear (er, well, sometimes his forehead, his neck or the top of his head... he has the right idea, anyway) and he says, ''Dad?! Hi dad! Dada?''.

He never fails to amaze me with how fast he learns new things. I could watch him forever.

Plus, he's adorable.

 I mean, c'mon, who wouldn't want to stare at that face all day everyday?!?

This picture has made it into my TOP FAVORITE pictures that I have of him.

It totally shows his silly personality.

Today we hung out together, just Gavin and I.

I always look forward to having the day to spend with JUST him. 

I love that I get to spend all of my time with my son. 

There's no where else in the world that I would rather be!

It's incredible. And I certainly don't take it for granted!

I have an outstanding boyfriend who takes care of our family. 

He's just wonderful.

I could go on forever. But, I won't.

All in all. I'm a very, very lucky and very, very, very happy girl.

I don't have much else to write for tonight.

Update on my grandma: She's doing ok. She's not declining.

It's all just a waiting game still.

We'll see what tomorrow brings.

A rough time

One of the most helpless feelings (I personally think) you can feel is when you have a loved one who is in a rough spot. In other words, ill.

My grandma is in the hospital and it's pretty rough.

It's been a domino effect of things going wrong since she went to the emergency room early Thursday morning. BUT, she has also been improving slowly since then as well. 

It's hard for anyone to see someone that they love with tubes in them and hooked up to all kinds of machines. It's also hard for me to connect with my family. I don't do well with sad situations. I disconnect myself and I like to be alone to deal with sad situations. I don't like to cry or hug anyone. I don't like to be sad in front of anyone. I'm just not good at being sympathetic to other people, even family, when they are crying. I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Getting off the emotional side of things, I'm going to brag a bit about her (my grandma).

Her name is Joyce and she is my step-moms, step-mom. Still following? 

I met her whenever I was 3 years old. Back when my dad and my step-mom met.

My parents have been married for 19 years now. (WHOA!)

Sooo, she's been in my life for quite some time now.

This woman has included me in on every holiday. Christmas, birthday, you name it.

She has officially earned the title as my grandmother.
She is technically my step-step-grandma?

But none of that matters. 

She has always been there for me. 

She has NEVER once treated me as anything but her own grand daughter. And for that, I am so very grateful. 

She is spunky, funny, kind, compassionate, crude but HILARIOUS, she is sweet, loving and dependable.

I think I spent the most time with her whenever I was pregnant with Gavin. I lived right up the road from her so it was easy for me to just hop in the car and drive 3-4 minutes to her house. 

I would spend hours upon hours at her house just talking about everything and anything. She's always good company and a person that I adore being around.

She's wonderful. Plain and simple. 

She's the best. 

It breaks my heart to see her in such a rough place and I want nothing more than for her to get well and pull through all of this. 

I'm not religious. I don't believe in a god or prayers. 

But I don't think this is it for her. I just don't. I feel like she will pull through all of this. I think this is just a (big) rough bump in the road in her life.

I hope will all my might that my gut feeling proves me right.

 Did I mention she is great at quilting?!?

This is the quilt that she helped me make for Gavin while I was pregnant. 

She did most of it (I had no clue what it took to make a quilt) so I can't take too much credit.

How cute, right?!?!!! The whole front of it.

The back side

Close up of one of the blocks

My Beautiful Family

I should probably start with a picture of Gavin when he was born.
Here it is! Day one!
My sweet little 8lb 2oz bundle of joy!

10 months later!
What a difference!

What a shorty! 

My 2 favorite guys in the entire world!

SO BIG!

I can't believe how fast time goes by.
These pictures were taken a month ago, whenever Gavin was 10 months.
He is now 11 months, exactly, today.
He is also officially WALKING!

Photo Credit to my dear friend Michelle for these lovely pictures of my family!

A year+ later

It's been a little over a year since I posted anything.

Which seems absolutely absurd to me because I think about posting on here all of the time.

To catch up to speed on things here's what's happened since last posting:

Gavin Joseph was born May 12, 2011 via C-section at 6:30pm.

He came into this world weighing a whopping 8lbs 2oz & measuring in at 20 inches long.

He has since then changed my entire world.

He has been happy since day 1. He rarely cries or gets upset for any other reason than wanting us to tend to his needs. And let me tell ya, he's not a very needy guy. He's very healthy. He was only sick once, with RSV, about a month ago. But even then, though he felt like crap, he was still happier and more cheerful than I expected him to be. He began his baby babble early and vocalizes to us constantly.

He rolled over from his back to his tummy during his third month & he's been on the go ever since! Now, cruising and taking a couple steps independently. He really tests himself. He's not quite ready to take off running but he is definitely getting there. Crawling is his fastest mode of self transportation. He's a stair master too (which scares the hell out of me. But I'd rather him know how to go up and down the stairs as opposed to not knowing). 

He has 8 teeth, cutting his first two around 4 1/2 months.

He is every bit of beautiful. His face always glowing with happiness that is contagious beyond belief. His smile reaches all the way to his gorgeous blue eyes.

We figure out everyday just how intelligent he is. He's curious and very observant. He loves textures and feeling different surfaces.

He loves my cat Baghira [ba-gear-uh] who, doesn't seem to share the affection nearly as much but, he puts up with it. Gavin nearly smothers him and though he doesn't like it, I still find him always around him.

He loves books and being read to.

He likes music and I've been teaching him to dance to it. Or, bounce around in his case.

He's funny and he definitely knows it.

He loves being outside and going for walks. One of the things he enjoys most is going to the park and swinging. He loves to watch the older kids running, laughing and playing on the playground. It's as though their joy and excitement spreads to him. He watches them intently and gets excited whenever they do. He laughs along with them. I can tell already that the park will be a place that we will visit more often (now that the weather is warm).

He isn't a picky eater. He loves all the food that we give to him, except peas! HA!

He has the pincer grasp down pat and self feeds like a pro. He took right to sippy cups. Drinking from them like a pro from the beginning. He even knows how to drink from a regular cup! Just not how to regulate the flow of the liquid in the cup, usually spilling it all down the front of him. He has the correct idea though.

He's a total love bug and now gives kisses.

He's a people person. He takes to new people very well. His separation anxiety is starting to appear, slowly but surely in the past few weeks. Oh boy..

Did I mention how smart he is? I think so, but, I'll say it again! He is SO SMART! It astonishes me!

He is every bit of what I dreamt he would be and more.

He is the most amazing and wonderful person I have ever met.

I'm more proud to be his mommy than I could ever put into words.

The second I met him I felt love like I have never or could ever imagine.

It's a love so pure and deep.

Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I love every single second of it.

I don't remember how I felt before I had Gavin.

He consumes my world and my every thought & I love it.

I feel so complete and whole with him in my life.

It's the best.

I could go on and on for years about him and my love for him.

I could type all the details of his whole 11 months of life, but I won't. Ha!

I cannot believe how fast time has gone.

In a month my sweet little baby who, this time last year was bouncing round in my tummy, will be 1 year old.

I have a lot of mixed emotions about it.

I'm excited that he is growing up and that he's really enjoying going places and doing things.

But I'm also not ready for him to be 1. Wanna know why?

Because after 1, comes 2....Then 3 & 4 & 5 etc...

And if the first year went by THIS fast, then I can only imagine how fast all the rest to come will be....

I say this all of the time and it holds true every little bit: Everyone will tell you that they grow up right before your eyes but you don't really realize it until you have your own.

You blink and they are bigger.

It's crazy!!

Life as I know it is great.

David and I have been together for over 2 years now and I am proud to say that we are doing wonderfully.

Along with Gavin, David is equally important to me.

We have big plans for our future together as a family. We're working to get to where we want to be & we know that we will, in time.

Over all, I can't complain about where my life is.

Forgetting the minuscule things that shouldn't bother me, I'm content.

I tend to ''cry over spilled milk'' too much some days. I try to always remind myself not to sweat the small stuff. I get caught up some times on details of my life that aren't how I'd like them to be. I tell myself that it won't always be this way. Life IS what you make of it. And I plan to make as much as I can of it. I have every reason to be happy and smile. Some times I just need to give myself a little kick to get going.

I suppose I'll close this draft here and resume tomorrow, potentially.

I plan to be back more often then not.

{By the way, pardon any grammatical errors! =/}

Seeing as it is only 6:37am I can end this with--

GOOD MORNING! :]