But, I didn't..

I had every intention of continuing to blog after my last post. I've thought about writing on here everyday since then.

The sad reality is, it's been too hard...

Too hard to put into words what happened that's kept me from blogging.

I've started several posts but I couldn't ever get through them and finish them.

The following Sunday after my last post I woke up to an unexpected, and very painful phone call from my dad telling me that my grandma JoAnn had past away.

It's been weighing heavy on my heart since then and I haven't really come to terms with her loss.

I feel detached and numb even still. I cry because I KNOW that it's real, but I don't FEEL like it's real.

I don't want to believe that it's real.

I think about her everyday.

And every day I still haunt myself with the guilt of not visiting as often as I should have.

Not calling as much as I should have.

Not taking Gavin to visit as much as I should have.

Not sending pictures like I should have.

I should have. I should have. I should have.

But I didn't. 

I meant to.

But I didn't.

I wanted to.

But I didn't.

I always thought about doing all these things.

But I didn't.

I feel so guilty and so selfish.

...so ashamed of myself.

Though I had good intentions, I never followed through with them like I had planned to.

The pain I've been feeling is really what's kept me from writing.

I'm the only one who can feel it for myself.

I can't go back and change what I didn't do.. that's what kills me.

I still want her to be here so that I can follow through with all of the things I intended on.

So I don't have to feel so guilty.

So I don't have to feel like I let her down in any way.

And I suppose that's selfish of me to feel.

What it all boils down to in the end is

I just don't want to feel like I ever made her unhappy.

I don't want to be the reason that she was ever unhappy. Not for one second.

She was the sweetest, loving, genuine, soft spoken woman I've ever met in my life.

Never unkind. Never selfish. Never judgmental.

She was the best listener I've ever met.

And she was always worried about everyone else before herself.

All she ever wanted was to see everyone else happy.

And most importantly, she always loved us.

Despite our faults. We never could do wrong.

She saw everyone for who they are on the inside.

She was an outstanding woman who could never, ever be replaced.

I miss her so much it hurts.

I  know that I shouldn't beat myself up over the things that I cannot change.

It's holding me back from grieving.

It's keeping me from REALLY feeling.

I know in my heart she was always proud of me.

She always told me.

I'll never forget her sweet voice and hearing. ''I love you too babe'' when we would end our phone calls.

I've never been good at dealing with really tough emotions.

Hiding from them takes so much more effort than dealing with them but it hurts less for a short time.

Until I can't hide any longer and they hit me like a brick wall.

I've been so caught up in 'not dealing' with my emotions that I've strayed away from visiting my grandma Joyce (from my previous post). She's still in the hospital. Still fighting. Very slowly getting better. She still has a long road ahead of her. But she's alive and doing well given the circumstances. For a while there we feared the worst. We thought we might lose her. And that killed me inside even more.

The thought of losing two very important people in my life in just a matter of weeks was enough to put me into an emotional standoff with myself.

I've tricked myself into (semi) believing that nothing is wrong just so I can go about my days without breaking down.

It's time I get over that and face my fears.

By not visiting her, I'm only being selfish.

She's always been there for me. She's always loved me.

And despite the fact that seeing her the way that she is scares the hell out of me, I owe it to her to visit.

That's exactly what I plan to do.

On another note:

Gavin is still Gavin.

He's a wild and adventurous 16 month old!

He's demanding and hilarious.

He's silly and spontaneous.

Recently we discovered how much he LOVES the drums!

David is thrilled! He's played for 14? years now.

Also, he has really taken an interest in coloring. If he sees something he can scribble with, it's in his little toddler hands before you know it. He enjoys mocking me while I vacuum with his toy vacuum.

He likes to hand things to you. Out of no where he'll reach out and hand you something and so adorably say in his own little way of saying here, ''heeh''.

He loves dancing and jumping.

He's discovered climbing..on his changing table...on the outside of his crib...on the top of his toy truck...in his toy box....really anything he thinks it 'climb-worthy'..I haven't decided if I'm ok with it yet. I'm leaning more towards no. Only because it scares me that he'll get hurt.

The list goes on. Everyday is something new.

Something exciting (and nerve-wrecking).

But it's always wonderful with him.

I'm beyond myself in happiness.

He's always my light at the end of the tunnel.

Life is never bad. Not since he's been in my life.

I try to never take any day for granted.

I always try to cherish everyday.

He's growing up so quickly and I don't want to miss anything.

What I'm really trying to say is that I am overjoyed to be a mom.

To be HIS mom.

Gavin Joseph's mom.

I'm one lucky lady.

I've FINALLY gotten back to this and it feels good.

Some times it's best to write out your feelings.

I feel relieved that I finally did.

Now I feel like I can blog again.

And now I'm also really tired.

Thanks for reading!

Good night.