Lately I've been feeling like I'm suffocating. 

Like I can't figure everything out and I need a breath of fresh air.

Like it's just too much for me to think about it.

As I analyze my life, I see happiness.

So much so that I could explode.

This suffocating feeling I have has nothing to do with anyone else.

It has everything to do with me.

My life has been on a roll in the past 8 months.

It's been changing and turning like crazy and although I'm going along with it, I am also at the same time NOT.

I'm afraid. 

Terrified of all the changes.

The over-thinker in me is at its max.

From the moment I found out that I was pregnant with Gavin I began to internally panic.

About literally EVERYTHING.

And once he was actually born, that panic only increased.

I've been terrified ever since.

Having a child is scary.

You're in charge of another life besides your own.

I always do my best to be Gavin's mommy.

I make choices with his best interest first and
I take care of him better than I've ever taken care of myself.

Quite frankly, he means more to me than I do to myself.

But It wasn't until recently, when some things were said to me, that I stopped and started to really wonder about myself.

Last week Gavin's OT and speech therapist were both here.

His OT asked me if I had been working on having him wear his weighted vest and I felt the embarrassment spread across my face. I could feel myself tensing up and I shyly admitted that I hadn't but only 1 day.. And without missing a beat she said to me that I acted as though I was going to be scolded for it. I then realized that I've been feeling that way.. That I was worried she would be disappointed in me that I hadn't. Like she was my parent and I had to give her my report card with bad grades on it or something. I was so ready to spout out a million excuses as to why I hadn't. Like I needed to prove something to this woman. 

But the truth is, I don't.

And I don't mean that in any way rude.

I mean it as, this is my son. And these choices are made for him BY ME. 

It's not that I hadn't thought about putting the vest on him.

It's sitting on my couch. It has been since we got it 2 weeks ago.

It's not that I didn't want to put it on him.

Sure, he gets upset about it at first, which is to be expected. 

The truth is, I look at it every single day and honestly, I just don't want to do it alone.

I don't want to work on it with him by myself. I want his OT to be here. To help me.

Maybe that sounds silly? But it's how I feel.. 

It's also that I'm afraid.

When his OT said that to me I felt like she was starting to uncover my feelings that I've been harboring secretly to myself. All of this therapy and learning scares the hell out of me. I feel a sense of stability when his therapists are here because they can point me in the right direction.

I'm ashamed to admit that that's where I stand at this point.

I've mentioned to them before that I feel a sense of disconnect with Gavin..

But it's not him that's disconnecting.

It's me.

And for that, I'm sad and embarrassed..

Ever since this whole autism thing entered our lives I've been trying to keep up and do all of the right things and make the right decisions and be this perfect supermom. When in reality, I've been slowly slipping away from myself..and my baby. He wants to connect and interact. He wants that. And I've been too worried about keeping myself in the present now to realize it.. He hasn't left me. He never did. And instead of embracing that, I've been spilling out frustrations everywhere. On him mostly. I'm mad at myself for it. 

And for what purpose is all of this? There is no reason.

Sure, I'm overwhelmed. Anyone who has a child gets overwhelmed.  

But I've been taking it to a whole different level. 

I don't need an outlet.

I don't need to get a hobby or spend time with my friends all of the time to let go of this. 

I need to slap my inner self for letting me get to this point.

I adore my life and everyone in it.

So what in the hell am I doing?!?

It's like I'm constantly on edge.

Waiting.

Waiting for something..

Something that I don't even know what it is.

So I sit here and wonder to myself, what the hell are you waiting for?

I tell myself to be present. Be here. In the now.

Gavin is turning 3 in just a few weeks. Time is going by. Very fast. 

I don't want to spend so much time stuck in my head. 

Waiting for something that doesn't exist.

I don't want to be afraid of all these changes happening in our lives.

They are good changes. Changes that are helping my son.

That's the most important.

I can't take in everything that his therapists do. 

I'm never going to remember every tip and suggestion and tactic they suggest.

I'm just not.

Yet I put all of this pressure on myself to remember it all. 

To follow through and repeat them each day and apply them to as much of his day to day life as possible.

But the reality is, they don't expect me to remember it all. To do it all. They aren't forcing me. They are suggesting. They are here to help. 

I weigh myself down with all of this. I worry that I'm not doing enough. And when I think it's too much, I feel myself hide.

It's like I've forgotten how to just be his mom.

But I haven't. I could do this blindfolded. 

I feel like I was born to be a momma.

To have a little to care for. 

I don't even have to think-I just DO.

I never forgot how to be his mommy.

I forgot how to be myself.

The kind, patient, always loving mommy.

And while I still am, it hasn't been 100%.

Not to me anyway.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

I'm making a conscious effort to let go of the things that don't matter.

It's not about being perfect. 

It's not about having all the answers.

It's not about living up to non-existent expectations that I've set for myself.

I know that I do my very best to be the best mommy to Gavin that I can be.

I don't need to expect more from myself.

And I need to be nicer to myself when I mess up. When I let my frustrations show.

Because at the end of the day, I'm only human. And it happens. It happens to all of us. 

I have to remind myself of this very often.

Life isn't about having all of the answers. Because there simply aren't answers to it all.

It's life. It's meant to be lived and enjoyed along the way. Having a child is no small feat. It's challenging and sometimes exhausting but above all that, it's incredibly amazing. Since Gavin, I feel like I've grown and continue to grow more as a person than I ever have in my whole life. He's taught me to really see myself in a different light. I always want to be perfect to him and for him. But I don't even know what perfect is. He doesn't either for that matter. He sees me. He sees mommy. And he loves me. Oh man does he love me. He's just so sweet.

I don't want to suffocate anymore.

I've realized that I'm only suffocating because of myself.

Because of unrealistic thinking.

Because of TOO MUCH thinking.

I have no reason to wake up every morning feeling overwhelmed before I can even get out of bed.

I have no reason to set expectations of myself.

I'll tell you what I do have- I have every reason to wake up happy.

I have every reason to start fresh each day with a clean slate, ready to take on whatever the day throws at me.

I have every reason to let go of stupid frustrations and smile at my baby and let him know that I'm not holding onto petty things--things that don't matter. Things he can't understand.

I have every reason to relish in the life I have because it is wonderful.

It's so wonderful. 

It's about time I start living my life and not being afraid of it. 

I have nothing to be afraid of.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do.

I need to find my way back to where I was before these past 8 months.

I don't have far to look.

I just need to get out of this fog that I've been wondering around in.

Getting it all out on here helps that fog to clear. 

Tomorrow I will wake up and start my life again where I left off.

And I'll really be there, like I was before. 

Good night.